The Day I Died

Four years ago Ann left us – Robin and I. Our marriage ended after being together for nineteen years. Robin was twelve and he did not understand what was happening to the family. He knew that she left us for another man. He lost his mother and I am without a wife. He had to adjust himself without her in his life.

Months later Robin asked me to marry Mandy. I was shocked. Perhaps he wanted a mother or maybe he thought I should have a wife. Robin had met Mandy on several occasions whenever I collected my purchases from her. She was my supplier and is the same age as my daughter Irene. She is a friendly single lady but nevertheless a stranger. I must confess at that moment it did crossed my mind. If I was twenty years younger and financially sound, I might have given it a shot. It may not be a matter of love but rather a necessity of companionship. People need dreams to stay alive but I dare not dream of having another wife at my age.

Occasionally Ann came to visit Robin. I knew she missed the son. One day I talked to her about selling the condominium and letting her have Robin. Robin was thirteen then. I had to give up Robin to Ann so that he can have a better life. Giving up my son was never easy and indeed a great sacrifice at my age to let go someone I care for. Today I still miss him. Nonetheless I was made the right decision to let go what I can no longer afford – a wife and a son. This is my life.

I died the day Robin left to be with his mother. That was three years ago. I had been dead for three years. My body lives without me and I am without myself. I have lost the desire to live. I am trapped in this body.

Buddhism forbids suicide. I read in Buddhism that one can go at will if one reaches a certain level through meditations. One will be reborn in a Buddha Land. I want to let go through meditation but when can I reach that level. Maybe one day I will be force to take the easy way out. Then it will be a rebirth in the ghost world or to a lower life than the present one.

The condominium was finally sold two years ago. I gave Ann half the money from the sales. Before that I enrolled Robin to a private school with some of the money I won from a lottery.

I tried to move on with my life with whatever I had. It had been two years now and times are bad. I am getting nowhere. Nothing comes my way and the high cost of staying alive is killing me. My time is running out as I started to sell off everything to move on. Soon I will have nothing to live on and then what will happen. Life is always a mystery and it takes a miracle to survive suffering.