My 60s

Today I am sixty five. One reaps what one sow. My past had finally caught up with me. Now I feel the effects of my past action. Life is about how to overcome and survive suffering. One has to move on and face the reality of life. There is no way to escape the consequence of one’s deed. This is the karma the Buddha referred to.

My daughters are married. On and off their mother stayed with Irene in Australia.

Alex is in Australia. Maybe he does not remember having a father. Florence has not forgiven me. That is acceptable to me.

Robin is still young and staying with Ann. I am not sure he really knows what is happening to my life. She is with another married man (George) for the past four years. The man is loaded. She need not have to work. He bought her a luxurious condominium and gave her a substantial amount. She must be very happy with what she have now.

Finally I am staying alone in the house that belongs to Jane. I am so used to loneliness that it becomes part of me. It takes a miracle for me to really live again. I have the will but not the means. Over the past years my health is deteriorating. In reality nobody cares anymore. There is nobody for me to talk to. So I decided to write this blog. Maybe someone will hear me. But why should anyone care! I am not the only one suffering. Others suffer too. In actuality I want to let go the burdens that I had been carrying all my life. I want to tell my story. I am not ashamed of the truth. It set me free. It is a relief to my state of mind.

In 1998 after Malacca, I mortgaged my condominium to the bank for a loan. I sold illegal software to oversea customers online. I managed to put just food on the table. I could no longer provide the comfort of the past. I did not asked Ann for money though she worked as a therapist in a spa. In 2000, I withdrew my employee providence fund and that was all the saving of my life.

In 2001 our relationship took a turn when she started going out with other men. I was under depression and could not concentrate on anything. That was the first time in my life that I have difficulties in solving my problem. I came close to committing suicide.

One day I went away with Robin to Port Dickson for a few days. I read a Buddhism book I took with me. I remember somewhere in the book, it was written: “To be happy, let go unhappiness”, “Life is delusional for nothing remains forever without change”, “One must accept the changes when they arise” and etc. I spent the days with very deep thoughts on what I had read. I came home and had a very serious talk with Ann.

I listened to her side of the story. She told she was young when she met me. There were a lot of things she did not realize then that she now realized. She no longer had the feeling for me anymore. I was too old for her. I did not force her to be with me then. We had been together for nineteen years and Robin was twelve. After all those years I could not understand how she justified herself. It was meaningless to be together since she had changed. I decided to end our marriage and set her free. That was in 2006. Four years had gone by. I lost the reason for living though I have forgiven her for whatever she had done to me.

She shattered my life. Perhaps I deserve it after all I also shattered the lives of Florence and the mother of my daughters when I left them. For whatever reasons I had then, it was still wrong. I felt very hurt and finally understood that what goes around comes around. I am too old to pick up the pieces and start over again in life. It is too late now. I have lost twenty years. That is the reality to live with.

Back in 1989 when I was working for Vincent, I should have dump her and gone back to Florence. We were not married at that time. I had no reason to be with her other than my commitment. The ending of my story will be different and I will have nothing to write on this blog. Probably this blog will never come into being.

Every action taken today paves the destiny of tomorrow. One needs to be careful in life.